Sunday, 1 November 2015

Nov 1

Today is November 1, All Souls Day. I did not think this day would have this much effect on me...but it did...I'm grieving terribly...once again I prayed to God that this is all just a bad dream...that my husband is not dead...I even asked my 1-month old boy to pray the same.


As I've read...grief comes in waves...and tonight I'm drowning...

Tuesday, 13 October 2015

Can't I be Happy?


Dear Blogger,


I still cannot believe that my husband died. Why did this happen to me? Why did he die so young??! Why do I have to meet someone who will die of aids so young? :'( There's so many guys out there why did God choose him for me? Don't I deserve to be happy at one point in my life? ^_*



Sunday, 11 October 2015

Mga Tanong


Dear Blog,


I am missing my husband again. It is kinda hard because right now I am staying in my mom's room. We are sleeping together in bed w/ my newborn...so I kinda feel like I can't just cry and grieve here 'coz she might see me...


'Ung maid kc naming walang kwenta at walang kcng insensitive nibring-up na namn ung asawa k knina. How he should've been the one taking care of our baby since he's a pedia. How I should've saved much medical care on my baby if he was alive...bakit ba napaka-insensitive nya?! Gusto k sna iwish na mngyri rn sa knya ung ngyri skn kso wla namn syang asawa...iniwan sya ng bf nya nung nbuntis sya...gusto k sna iwish na mmatayan sya ng anak kso mgkkron na namn sya ng dahilan pra mgbakasyon...na sobra na nyang inaabuso. Knina nga nguutos ako pinagaantay ako dhl ngppaload p dw sya (business nya) bwiset wlang kwenta! Bwal p namn ako nkatayo mtgal at bk ako mgbleed...


Hindi k talga alam bat ngyri skn lhat ng ito...bkt ako pa...ano bng ksalanan k? Paulit-ulit kng tintanong...kkaksal k p lng...buntis p...bkt kelangn kng mmatayn ng asawa?! Bkt kelangng ang mpangasawa k e abuser? Drug addict? Sumasma sa mga bading? D namn kmi nghhirap? May aids? Bkt lhat na lng ng kmalasan npunta skn???! Pinagdsal k namn lhat...mula ng mkilala k sya...cnagot k sya...bgo kmi iksal...bkt??? Bkt ako p? Bkt d na lng ako ngkron ng normal na asawa? Ng pamilyang buo? Anu b ang ksalanan k?

Friday, 9 October 2015

I Wanna Die


I wanna die na-_-;; why is all this happening to me??!!

I Can't Take Care of My Baby


I am so depressed that I cannot fully take care of my baby :( Until now (it's been 2 weeks) I still can barely stand up and still can't sit down...I can't even carry my baby:( I'm so so sad :(((



2015 Is Not My Year


Why am I so unfortunate? I have been asking myself this question oh-so-many-times this year...here's why:


1. After moving in together w/ my new husband this January I found out he is abusive. He shouts at me everyday...throughout the day for no reason...he curses at me and calls me names (stupid, tae, etc.)...he also was mildly physically abusive (batok, hampas ng basahan sa mukha, etc.).


2. Holy week of this year my husband admitted to me that he hangs out w/ gay men and does drugs.


3. My husband got extremely ill and died while I was 5 months pregnant.


4. Found out my husband died of aids.


5. Gave birth to my baby w/ a true knot. My baby was born w/ sepsis because of my OB's negligence. I had bleeding w/c endangered my uterus (hysterectomy). It's been 2 weeks since I gave birth and I still have not started recovering (I have an abscess on my perenium but my OB insists it is nothing...I still am unable to stand/sit/properly take care of my baby...and I am only getting worse :(


I have no idea why all this is happening to me. I also had a lot of issues at work but didn't list them down anymore =(






work

Monday, 8 June 2015

Young Husband Died & I'm Pregnant

I am dying inside each day. My husband died several days ago and it's getting worse each day. I simply cannot live w/o him. I don't know how to survive this. I can't even stop crying.


Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?


My life has stopped and my heart had stopped beating...