Nov 1

Today is November 1, All Souls Day. I did not think this day would have this much effect on me...but it did...I'm grieving terribly...once again I prayed to God that this is all just a bad dream...that my husband is not dead...I even asked my 1-month old boy to pray the same.


As I've read...grief comes in waves...and tonight I'm drowning...

Can't I be Happy?

Dear Blogger,


I still cannot believe that my husband died. Why did this happen to me? Why did he die so young??! Why do I have to meet someone who will die of aids so young? :'( There's so many guys out there why did God choose him for me? Don't I deserve to be happy at one point in my life? ^_*

Mga Tanong

Dear Blog,


I am missing my husband again. It is kinda hard because right now I am staying in my mom's room. We are sleeping together in bed w/ my newborn...so I kinda feel like I can't just cry and grieve here 'coz she might see me...


'Ung maid kc naming walang kwenta at walang kcng insensitive nibring-up na namn ung asawa k knina. How he should've been the one taking care of our baby since he's a pedia. How I should've saved much medical care on my baby if he was alive...bakit ba napaka-insensitive nya?! Gusto k sna iwish na mngyri rn sa knya ung ngyri skn kso wla namn syang asawa...iniwan sya ng bf nya nung nbuntis sya...gusto k sna iwish na mmatayan sya ng anak kso mgkkron na namn sya ng dahilan pra mgbakasyon...na sobra na nyang inaabuso. Knina nga nguutos ako pinagaantay ako dhl ngppaload p dw sya (business nya) bwiset wlang kwenta! Bwal p namn ako nkatayo mtgal at bk ako mgbleed...


Hindi k talga alam bat ngyri skn lhat ng ito...bkt ako pa...ano bng ksalanan k? Paulit-ulit kng tintanong...kkaksal k p lng...buntis p...bkt kelangn kng mmatayn ng asawa?! Bkt kelangng ang mpangasawa k e abuser? Drug addict? Sumasma sa mga bading? D namn kmi nghhirap? May aids? Bkt lhat na lng ng kmalasan npunta skn???! Pinagdsal k namn lhat...mula ng mkilala k sya...cnagot k sya...bgo kmi iksal...bkt??? Bkt ako p? Bkt d na lng ako ngkron ng normal na asawa? Ng pamilyang buo? Anu b ang ksalanan k?

I Wanna Die

I wanna die na-_-;; why is all this happening to me??!!

I Can't Take Care of My Baby

I am so depressed that I cannot fully take care of my baby :( Until now (it's been 2 weeks) I still can barely stand up and still can't sit down...I can't even carry my baby:( I'm so so sad :(((

2015 Is Not My Year

Why am I so unfortunate? I have been asking myself this question oh-so-many-times this year...here's why:


1. After moving in together w/ my new husband this January I found out he is abusive. He shouts at me everyday...throughout the day for no reason...he curses at me and calls me names (stupid, tae, etc.)...he also was mildly physically abusive (batok, hampas ng basahan sa mukha, etc.).


2. Holy week of this year my husband admitted to me that he hangs out w/ gay men and does drugs.


3. My husband got extremely ill and died while I was 5 months pregnant.


4. Found out my husband died of aids.


5. Gave birth to my baby w/ a true knot. My baby was born w/ sepsis because of my OB's negligence. I had bleeding w/c endangered my uterus (hysterectomy). It's been 2 weeks since I gave birth and I still have not started recovering (I have an abscess on my perenium but my OB insists it is nothing...I still am unable to stand/sit/properly take care of my baby...and I am only getting worse :(


I have no idea why all this is happening to me. I also had a lot of issues at work but didn't list them down anymore =(






work

Young Husband Died & I'm Pregnant

I am dying inside each day. My husband died several days ago and it's getting worse each day. I simply cannot live w/o him. I don't know how to survive this. I can't even stop crying.


Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?


My life has stopped and my heart had stopped beating...

All the Single Ladies...

I am amazed at how society (& everywhere not just in certain countries) highly value being married & having kids & ostracizes singles around the world. 

 

I grew up not wanting to get married.  I cannot imagine being w/ just 1 guy for the rest of my life.  And I hate kids & babies.  And in an 8-year relationship I decided to move in (live-in in Filipino terms) w/ my boyfriend.  It was a disaster.  He left me immediately & I had the burden of the monthly amortization & bills to take care of myself.  I had a realization at this time, that I shouldn’t be doing/planning things that are against God’s laws, like “live-in.”  So I changed.  I decided that apart from my career goals, my “other” goal would be to get married & have my own family.  I thought I was doing things right.

 

That same year (w/c I thought was already the worst year of my life before) I met my future husband.  We went on a blind date (introduced by a common friend).  I was comfortable & there was no dead air in our conversations.  However I was not “normally” attracted to him.  He was not my “usual type.”  He looked clean, like a “good boy.”  He was fair-skinned.  He was Chinese.  He was short.  He looked like the type of guy my parents & lola would like.  He looked like the type of guy my friends need not worry about.  As I left him that day I thought, “no, we would just be friends---I’m not attracted to him at all!”  But I reconsidered right then & there.  I recalled the 2 things I was looking for in a husband:  (1) someone who, when he gets married, will never ever separate from his wife no matter what & (2) someone I can be proud of.  He meets the 2 requirements!  Don’t ask me how I verified he meets the #1 requirement.  Just think of a “good boy” compared to a “bad boy.”  I mean, there are men you know are not the type who will get divorced right?  No matter what?  He is that type.  For #2 I had this requirement because my last boyfriend was hated by my family & friends.  So I guess fighting for the guy was too tiring so I thought about this requirement #2.  So I thought, he met my 2 requirements and for some reason I kept thinking about him that night & the following day---and the rest is history!

 

Now I am “unfortunately married.”  I realized what a big sham it is.  Just watching the latest Fast & Furious film showing Paul Walker supposedly finding “real happiness” w/ his wife & kid/s, what a sham!  Read this all you single ladies---marriage will NOT make you HAPPY!!!  It is WAY WORSE THAN BEING SINGLE!  What is fun about being a wife & having the burden of “carrying” your marriage??!  What is the fun in submitting to your husband???  What is the fun of not having freedom, not being able to do what you want.  There is no real benefit of getting married!!!  Unless if you’re a masochist and would love to live the rest of your life sacrificing, suffering & being miserable!!!  Life is meant to be enjoyed not to suffer & sacrifice constantly.  You should be able to do what you want w/ your life & not be obliged to sacrifice for another human being for the rest of your life.  So please married woman, stop fooling all these lucky single women that you are happy.  Single ladies…don’t be fooled like me! L

 

 

Your Face Sounds Familiar

I have been watching Your Face Sounds Familiar since I first saw it (1^st episode, 1^st performer – Karla Estrada preparing as Sharon Cuneta).  I never really watch a local show religiously until I saw this one.  I’m waiting for it every weekend whenever I’m home.  But I must admit there are some frustrations…

1.        The judges are puro positive na lang ang alam sabihin --- kahit dun sa binibigyan nila ng lowest score…I thought this show was different before kasi I was pleasantly surprised on the 1^st show nung binanggit ni Jed & Sharon na sintonado si Maxene.  Actually ok naman si Sharon minsan she still mentions the area for improvement and I like her candid comments even when not juding---adds spice to the show.  I don’t know why she has many detractors.  It’s refreshing to watch the “New Sharon” now na hindi puro pacute at ang galling humirit!  Pinakawalang kwenta si Gary lahat maganda at magaling sa kanya.  Papalitan daw sya for a while ni Boy Abunda but I don’t expect things to get better knowing Boy na wala ring laman ang sinasabi parati.

2.       Pacorny ng pacorny si Billy Joe Crawford.  He was very good on the 1^st show.  Did the ratings frighten him???  Ok this is one of the things na ok lang.  I didn’t want him to excel din dahil sa ginawa nya kay Nikki Gil.

3.       Frustrating yung performances last week.  Halos walang nagperform.  The only positive thing is nanalo na rin ang favorite ko na si Nyoy sa wakas (after the very unfair assignment the week before).  Ipinanalo nya ang worst performance nya---w/c is still better than the others.

4.       Ang pinakafrustrating is ung pagsscore ng judges.  Here is my own scoring (I only included the last 2 weeks dahil eto lang ang napanood ko ng buo sa tv---I realized iba pa rin pag youtube).

 

Week 4 (April 5)[edit]

Order	Contestant	Impersonated artist[16]	Song	Total Points	Rank
1	Melai Cantiveros	Mad Killah of Salbakuta	"Stupid Love"	18	4th
	Tutti Caringal	Bendeatha of Salbakuta		20	3rd
2	Edgar Allan Guzman	John Travolta	"You're the One That I Want"	13	5th
	Maxene Magalona	Olivia Newton		12	6th
3	Jolina Magdangal	Juliet Sunot of Aegis	"Sinta"	21	2nd
	Nyoy Volante	Rey Abenoja of Aegis		4	8th
4	Karla Estrada	Dolly Parton	"Islands in the Stream"	11	7th
	Jay R	Kenny Rogers		33	1st

 

***Kung ako I would go for the following:

Tutti

Jay R

Melai

Edgar Allan

Nyoy

Jolina

Karla

Maxene

Hindi magaling si Tutti for the past weeks pero grabe ang performance nya dun sa Salbakuta.  He deserved a higher score.  Si Melai mataas din ang score ko kasi kahit di nya gano nagaya sa looks yung salbakuta eh grabe sa kwela ang performance nila ni Tutti.  Edgar Allan deserved more based on his performance na nagaya si John Travolta---only thing is he looks like Zac Efron.  Si Nyoy deserved more dahil magaling pa rin sya kahit halos extra lang.  Si Jolina hindi marunong kumanta, hindi maabot ung kasimple-simpleng kanta na any ordinary singer eh magagawa, walang nagaya ni kaunti.  Naaalala ko tuloy yung nabasa ko sa FashionPulis lately na parang gusto ng ABS-CBN iahon ang career ni Jolina---kadiri!  Si Karla as usual wala na namang ginawa…lalo na si Maxene.

 

Week 5 (April 11 & 12)[edit]

Order	Contestant	Impersonated artist	Song	Total Points	Rank
1	Edgar Allan Guzman	Ricky Martin	"She Bangs"	15	5th
2	Maxene Magalona	Madonna	"Like A Virgin"	3	8th
3	Nyoy Volante	Justin Bieber	" Baby (Justin Bieber song)"	27	1st
4	Karla Estrada	Psy	"Gentleman"	14	6th/7th
5	Jay R	Alice Cooper	"I Never Cry"	18	3rd
6	Jolina Magdangal	Axl Rose	"Sweet Child o' Mine"	17	4th
7	Tutti Caringal	Rico J. Puno	"Macho Gwapito"	14	6th/7th
8	Melai Cantiveros	Jolina Magdangal	"Chuva Choo Choo"	24	2nd

Here’s my ranking:

 

Nyoy

Karla

Jay R

Jolina

Edgar Allan

Tutti

Maxene

Melai

 

Karla deserved more last weekend.  Hindi madali yung pinagawa sa kanya knowing her.  I don’t know why she scored so low.  Si Melai ang halatang-halatang may daya.  Dahil ba ang paborito ng ABS na si Jolina ang ginaya nya?

 

5.        Last frustration ay ang mga nabunot na “Icons” kuno for next weekend’s performances.

 

Week 6 (April 18 & 19)[edit]

Order	Contestant	Impersonated artist	Song	Total Points	Rank
-	Maxene Magalona	Vhong Navarro
-	Tutti Caringal	Steven Tyler
-	Karla Estrada	Mariah Carey
-	Edgar Allan Guzman	Toni Gonzaga
-	Jolina Magdangal	Manny Pacquiao
-	Jay R	Tom Jones
-	Melai Cantiveros	Cyndi Lauper
-	Nyoy Volante	apl.de.ap

 

Music Icons pala si Vhong Navarro at si Toni Gonzaga??!  Pweh!!! Maintindihan ko pa si Manny Pacquiao dahil sikat naman ito sa buong mundo lalo na may nalalapit na laban.  Pero gamitin daw ba ang international franchised show na ito to promote their own “talentless” artistis??!  Kahit si apl.de.ap matuturing ba na Icon yon?  Buti kung Black-Eyed Peas o si will.i.am o Fergie pa!  PAK!

 

I’m not looking forward to the next show anymore!!!

Losing My Faith

I have been thinking a lot about my faith.  And I honestly have deliberately not gone to mass for the past 2 Sundays.  I consider myself “religious” before.  And why is that?  Just read my last post.  You see, I prayed for that marriage.  I prayed to meet my future husband.  I prayed for our relationship.  I prayed and asked if I should continue w/ the wedding when I was having second thoughts & I thought I got a “yes” answer.  And a couple of weeks after the wedding I realized what I had gotten myself into.  That is why I’m questioning my faith now. 

What did I do to deserve this?

Why did God allow me to marry this creep?

Why is divorce not allowed by the Church?

Why does God want me to stay in a bad marriage…an unsafe marriage?  Why do I have to risk my life & my baby’s?

Why do I have to stay w/ this guy who tortures my soul & mind every waking moment?

Why does God allow bad things to happen to us?

Why does God allow people to suffer?

Why does God want people to get married & multiply?  Only to suffer?

I have all these questions.  I have prayed on what to do & asked for a sign AGAIN.  The answer I thought I got was to separate from my husband…but why did God want me to marry him in the 1^st place?  Am I getting this all wrong?  What is the purpose of going to mass? 

World's Worst Husband

Ok so I was thinking I married the worst husband in the world.  So I thought I would search the net to see if there’s anybody else like me who’s won the lottery (the opposite) on marriage!

And so I found this article:  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1131262/Britains-worst-husband-How-18th-centurys-Andrew-Robinson-Bowes-make-spouse-look-saint.html

Well yeah, it was pretty bad & the woman did not have much options considering the law & culture then.  But I can relate.  I pretty much had an ‘easy’ life.  I didn’t have “major-major” problems growing up.  So I guess this is payback time?!

Why do I think my husband is the worst?  Let me enumerate…oh wait, you have to understand 1st that I just got married & currently pregnant…so here it goes:

1.        He admitted that he goes out w/ gays.

 

He said this has been going on for years.  He said he never did anything w/ them.  He said he did because they give him money (it’s not like he needed the money). 

 

2.       He admitted that he’s doing drugs.

He also admitted he started 2 months before our wedding and that his family knows & that they decided to hide it from me.  I think this is also the reason why he tends to lash out for no valid reason at all.  He is emotionally abusive to me.  And he is starting to physically hurt me.  Threats are also constant.

So I guess I only needed to list 2?  And I already won having the worst husband in the world & the worst luck on marriage!

My Last Performance Review

So recently I had a chance to do the performance review discussion w/ my former boss.  I really didn’t expect much since he never talks to me.  It’s nothing personal he’s just like that.  We never seem to get any time w/ him.  He just keeps on cancelling & rescheduling every meeting till you get tired of following up w/ him.  So I thought we wouldn’t get any chance to have my performance review discussion.  I was surprised we did.  I also wasn’t expecting much from him given that ‘nilaglag’ nya ako the last time.  You see I had this ‘kapalpakan’ end of last year when we had a VIP visitor.  Palpak ang presentation ko.  Since then he dropped me (kaya nga ‘former boss’).  He promised a new role for me then bigla na lang nidrop nya ako.  So wala na ako gana sa knya.  Anyway, he’s smart & I probably ‘learned a lot’ in the hour or so that we discussed.  So eto ang mga advise nya sakin (let’s just focus on the negative ‘coz that’s what I focus on all the time anyway hehe!).  O sige na nga, he had a lot of good things to say about me, like I’m an achiever…I’m like a ‘pitbull’ when I’m given something to do I am so focused & I ensure it’s completion.  He did mention that he really did defend me amidst my ‘other’ shortcomings, that he mentioned we have to focus on my performance & my achievements no matter how I relate to other people.  Anyway, here are my improvement areas:

-          Do not document anything that is against the rules na ipapahamak ako or sya.  Hindi raw nya talaga ako sasagutin if I ask something against the policy sa email or messenger.  He’ll just talk to me in person & I also have to make sure I cover my ass.

-          Be more sensitive towards other people.  He said we have the same tendency to rub people off the wrong way.  He kinda seemed like he thinks I’m not aware (but I am).  And I kinda liked it that we are the same (especially when I used to admire him before he ‘dropped’ me).  But now I realized it is not something he is proud of or he thinks is right or he doesn’t care about.  He says it’s something he’s been working on & it’s something I should be conscious about & work on as well.  He even mentioned I should seek feedback from others but not to the point of being paranoid.

-          He said I tend to focus on ‘small things’ & that it irritates people.  He said I should give those up.  These are simple things that I should just let go of.  He gave certain examples…kaya nga siguro may mga kaaway ako sa office at kaya siguro maraming may ayaw sakin hehe!  He said if I’m not getting any feedback/results I should decide myself & simply align w/ other managers.  And that I should ‘choose my battles.’  He said I should not make it so hard on myself :D

Anyway ayan lang naman ang mga advise nya sakin when it comes to work.  Ung iba more of career next steps, basta eto ung mga kelangan ko iimprove sa attitude/behavior ko or improvement areas.  He also gave some advise on my married life:

-          Men start planning their life after getting married.  Women plan their life until they get married…then their life is planned by their husbands

Nairita ako dito sabi ko ayaw ko ng ganon, sabi nya the sooner you accept it the easier it will be for you

-          He also advised that I choose to do what is right & I will be happy w/ my decision later on (I was thinking of leaving my husband na), sabi ko na lang sige antayin ko na lang when I will be happy

Anyway as usual I learned a lot again from him (w/c I didn’t expect pero ganon nga, marami syang one-liners na malaman & helpful sa personal life not just sa work life)…

Why I think MY WEDDING TRUMPED Marian’s & Heart’s

1.       I had a really cool photobooth ;)

2.       I had an amazing program…all guests had fun & most stayed till the end of the party or even after ;)

3.       I felt so loved ;)

4.       Flowers were THE WORST part of my wedding but were still BETTER than that of Heart’s & Marian’s…I guess I have better taste ;)

5.       I didn’t spend as much on my wedding gowns but my wedding gowns were prettier…I didn’t settle for Pinoy designers lang that’s why ;)

6.       Mine was classy, not trying hard or OA but fun ;)

7.       I looked better than they did & I didn’t even have as much professional makeup artists’ help ;)

8.       I didn’t have to spend as much as they did…I probably spent 1% of what Marian/Dingdong or GMA did…only 1M…and I barely spent half of that myself ;)

9.       I had a wonderful priest & supportive entourage (maybe Heart did as well)…but I think I have more friends than Marian ;)

10.   My cake…ahem ;)

11.   I have a bigger & better church ;)

12.   Mas bongga bridal car ko ;)

13.   Mas maganda ang motif ko ;)

14.   Mas maganda porma ng entourage ko ;)

 

Random Musings

Ok so I’m bored again in the office, bakit ba ang dami ko laging free time??!  Ang hirap kc if you’re SO efficient hahahahaha!  Ok so my former team eh parang deadma na sakin ngayon…pero d naman sila lahat.  ‘Yung isa sa kanila actually hindi ko alam kung crush ba nya ‘ko o ano, nagask pa if magkakaron ako ng sarili kong team & if pde sya lumipat, haha! I don’t know basta lagi sya paimpress sakin.  Pag nasa meeting very conscious sya sa tingin ko sa kanya.  Di ko naman maisip na crush nya ko kc para syang closeted bading talaga.  Saka this is not offensive in any way because he really has a very good work attitude & performer talaga!  And I have 2 of my former teamleads who I think remain to be my special friends.  I am happy to have gained friends kahit na direct reports ko sila.  Nakita naman siguro nila panu ko sila inalagaan at sinuportahan nung tao ko pa sila.  Na hindi naman personal kundi dahil performer naman talaga sila!  Well I kinda miss them pero aren’t I in the ideal position now?  Management level, same sweldo, pero walang hawak na tao?  Saya!!! :D

Anyway kanina parang naririnig ko sila naguusap about their next teambuilding---kasama ang bago nilang manager.  Siguro I had a ‘twang’ of inggit pero dba teambuildings w/ them are things I really DESPISED before?  So now I’m free!!!  I don’t have to join them & makisama, I have my personal time back!!!

Kahapon lang nairita ako kc magspend sana kami nung prize money naming dun sa little Xmas party contest namin, tapos last minute ba naman ako sinabihan, samantalang ung iba alam naman dahil nagchange shift pa sila.  Anyway, d naman nila responsibility na sabihan ako besides I’m a manager kaya d ako nakakasama sa usual usapan nila.  Pero ung bubwit na nagsabi sakin I’m sure sinadya nya yon.  She can’t be trusted.  Close kc sya dun sa isa kong nemesis dito sa company.  Oo nga pala, there is this girl in the company that I replaced (1^st job ko dito sa company).  And for some reason, napapansin ko, lahat ng nagiging kaclose nya nagkakaron ng contempt sakin.  I don’t know why.  Walang reason para mainggit sya sakin.  She has the “perfect career” in the company.  Sya ang kinaiinggitan ng lahat.  Pero di ko lam anung meron sya against me, bakit kelangan nyako siraan, etc..  Basta halatang-halata. 

Hay nako nagugutom ako.  Kc ba naman nitry ko ung bagong Thai resto sa foodcourt.  Kakaloka, almost 160 pesos ung binili kong lunch eh ksya yata yon sa isa o dalawang subo, walang kalaman-laman.  Puro kanin lang.  May apog pa ung baklang nagtitinda na magsabing paborito yon ni Kris Aquino, sabi ko “bakit kilala ba yang resto nyo?”  “Meron nap o kami sa Ortigas na dinadayo ni Kris Aquino.”  Well, basing on KrisTV mukha namang WALANG TASTE si Kris sa pagkain…

So I learned there’s this new viral video of the Mamasapano incident.  Grabe daw at overkill (syempre hindi ko maview kc nandito ako sa ofc!).  Sabi na, you shouldn’t deal w/ terrorists.  I’m sure tinago naman nila si Marwan at ipinagtanggol ang mga terorista kaya ginanon ang SAF.  Pero kung ako ang nasa posisyon hindi ko rin alam anong gagawin ko.  It’s easy to say not to condone terrorism pero ano gagawin natin if walang peace talks?  Civil war teh?  Di ko yata feel magkaron ng gyera dito sa Pinas.  Eto kasing mga Muslim na ito d ko talaga maintindihan ang peg…

Ok so I’m recovering a little, hindi nako ganon kadepressed sa life ko---sana.  Ayoko na umiyak gabi2.  Nagkamali akong magpakasal.  Ang hirap pala teh.  Ewan ko ba bat sa media eh parang getting married is so good, na parang dapat lahat magasawa, d dapat maging single…baket?  Ang sarap kaya ng single life…kung maibabalik ko lang! ;)

I Miss My Single Life

So Valentine’s Day is coming.  I remember when I was still single I tend to “dread” this day (well maybe not as much as the Christmas holidays).  Now that I am recently married I really don’t care that this day is coming.  And I really envy all the single people out there.  I don’t know why people keep on posting “happy photos” on facebook about being married (and having kids as well).  Now that I am married I CANNOT SEE what is HAPPY about being married.  It’s all suffering, sacrifices, & misery.  I wish I had been single forever.  I married late but still, my time as a single woman was not enough.  Now I never wanna have kids.  Why would I when I hear that’s EVEN HARDER THAN MARRIAGE ITSELF.

Just today I can’t see any other post on Facebook than all about my “friends’” kids, like they are really happy & too fond of them.  I cannot imagine myself having that feeling & I wish that day NEVER COMES.  Now that I am experiencing the hardships of marriage I NEVER want to experience even MORE HARDSHIPS from having kids.

I miss my single life.  I miss not being responsible for anything, the household, etc..  Only caring for myself.  Not having a “sensitive” husband that I always have to care for while he never cares for me at all.  Is it like this as well if you’re a man? 

I miss my single life.  I can’t imagine why I felt so lonely and desperate then, I had everything.  I had a maid (I mean my parents hired her).  I live at my parents’ house, I’m not responsible on fixing anything that is broken, I just have to “report” it.  I can spend my weekends how I want.  I can rest.  I am not stressed.  I can ACTUALLY REST at home.  I don’t use the office as my “resting place” or “peaceful place.”  I had an actual home L